Friday, August 15, 2014

we are here & now

It's a running joke with Carrie and I that bloggers can't ever admit that life gets hard sometimes.  It's always, "I had a moment of despair, but don't you worry, those babies are a BLESSING!" and "Our roof fell in yesterday, but I'm just so darned grateful to have a house to live in with my precious family!" #soblessed #soblessed #soblessed
The last couple months of Joon being two have exhausted me to my core. I feel like every day is a constant stream of tantrums, losing my temper, calming us both down and feeling terrible, stepping on a Hot Wheels car, cussing, etc. etc. It just goes round and round.  He's so volatile--anything that doesn't go exactly his way (you know, a constant stream of cookies, park time, and Curious George) becomes a titanic meltdown.  Despite the constant pep talks I give myself to be calm, be patient, be loving, he's learning, they just go right out the window.

Every night I lay him down in bed and rub his back while I say, "Do you know your mama loves you? Do you love your mama? Do you know dad loves you? And you love your daddy too?" He responds to each one with a carefully pronounced, matter-of-fact, "Yeah.  Yyyeah."  The peaceful end to every day just leaves me feeling worse about every parenting decision I'd made in the last 12 hours.  Mom guilt is normal, I've heard it over and over, and it's easy to read those encouraging, you're doing the best you can, mama heart! blog posts but the reality is a constant, nagging worry that I'm just messing up these years that are supposed to be so precious and sweet, years I'm going to desperately miss some day soon.
If you sometimes feel the same way, and sometimes shiny, peppy mom blog posts peppered with $50 children's clothing (do people actually spend that much money on kid's clothing?!) make you roll your eyes, know that I'm over here rolling my eyes, too, especially after I've spent the morning managing an epic meltdown after almost two hours spent in an AT&T store (just a hypothetical situation off the top of my head...). And sometimes, I'm crying in the pantry at nap time while I stuff a York bar in my mouth and calculate the hours until David gets home.  And then, yes, duh, of course sometimes having days that remind me it's really all worthwhile and going to be okay and my kid isn't a psychopath.
I mean, look at this guy. Brat central.
...and then this actually is his "about to do something naughty" face.

12 comments:

  1. 1st, LOL at "Our roof fell in yesterday, but I'm just so darned grateful to have a house to live in with my precious family!" Nailed it.

    2nd, toddlers are HARD. This blog post isn't specifically about toddlers, but I found it really helpful: http://www.catholicallyear.com/2014/02/how-to-love-your-kids-and-like-them-too.html Also she doesn't say #soblessed once.

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  2. You are amazing!! You have no idea how badly I needed such an honest heartfelt and relatable post like this this week!!

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  3. Honestly, 20 months to like 2 1/2 was the absolute hardest age for me with Georgia. So I nodded my head the whole time I read this.

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    1. Our conversation about this was so comforting it's unreal. Thanks for being understanding and making me feel better. You da you da best.

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  4. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. I love the reality. I love my life and I love my kids, but I lose my temper nearly every single day and sometimes nap-time can't come fast enough. I can't tell you how often I wonder if I'm just screwing all 4 of them up. I feel guilty every single day when I spend too much time on the computer... but I still do it. On and on and on. This post makes me want to write about my own struggles on my blog. I'm on a journey to catalog what we do - it's a family history more than anything (I don't really even care if anyone reads it, but I know they do), so I am of course always writing about the fun stuff we do and posting amazing pictures. But I never stop to think that it might be nice to look back on these years and remember it wasn't always perfect. I think that when my girls are mamas they might want to read our family blog books and see that it wasn't all sunshine and roses. Thanks for the reminder. And I laughed so hard at the #soblessed. PS - I do think that sometimes it's hard to be real when you are struggling and want to vent about something and maybe write about it on your blog and facebook (i.e. we couldn't get into our house for more than 2 weeks and I was feeling REALLY badly about it) and you go ahead and DO that. What happens? Everyone makes sure to tell you "look on the bright side, you are so blessed, you are lucky to have a house, be grateful you are a mother... etc." WHAT THE? Can't we all just sympathize sometimes?????

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    1. You know, I love that, Tannie. The times when I'm upset and Dave just gives me a hug and says, "I'm sorry. I know this sucks for you." are so much more meaningful than when he tries to point out all the ways it's not *that* bad...sometimes that makes your sadness feel invalid, and it's just not. Emotions are valid! It is so tricky though, because I do also follow people who complain non-stop and I'm always like, "OK...really? Is it really THAT bad ALL THE TIME?" and I don't want to be that person either. It's a tricky balance.

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  5. Love your realness (always have) and love YOU!

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  6. Yes! Thank you! Life is just super hard sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks and I don't want to be grateful- I want to complain and I want other people to just be sympathetic! I don't have a toddler- but sometimes I get so fed up with my baby I just cry all day long, get nothing done, and refuse to appreciate the "infant" stage because it just sucks sometimes. I feel ya.

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  7. Even as someone who doesn't have kids yet, I want to thank you for your honesty. I have a lot of concerns about what life will be like when I do eventually have kids, and I love seeing how whether it's an up day or a down day, at the end of the day, it's the end of the day and everyone made it through. Many of my friends are guilty of only sharing the storybook moments, but it's nice to see the tougher ones too. I think they help everyone learn that life's life...not a polished story or movie. So, thanks!

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  8. you win at blogging. good job! I totally agree with Tannie that it doesn't have to be all rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes life sucks! And that's ok. (well, it's not, but it's.....well, it's life!) Motherhood is blahblah rewarding, but day in and day out, it's also really mothereffing hard!

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  9. Love this a lot. A LOT. It's okay for things to just suck sometimes.

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