Sunday, December 29, 2013

the first

I've felt a little lost this last year.


I said good-bye to a lot of good friends...really, really good friends who all moved away, because Rexburg is a transient town. Each one rips me up inside and leaves me crying for longer than I'd care to admit.  I finished out the year by sending the best of the best back to Kansas and even just typing that makes my throat feel swollen and my eyes sting.  These good-byes leave me exhausted and raw and they just. don't. get. easier.

I keep trying to find my place in my home, in my ward, in my town, and none of it feels exactly right.  I started out the year thinking maybe I'd be a doula, and then I thought maybe an online teacher or tutor, and then a kickboxing instructor, and I never follow through with any of it because I'm scared and intimidated and home in my sweats chasing Joonmonster around is my safe place...even though I know I need to be more brave and do something to really put this great brain of mine to work (longest run-on sentence ever).



I've had some slight social anxiety and I think a little depression in the mix that I've been slowly working to overcome, too.  Acknowledging that these last few months and accepting that it's normal and okay and part of this stage in my life has been big. Becoming okay with being lonely sometimes, heading into social situations even when my palms are sweating and my heart is racing, initiating hang outs, it's all stressful but I'm trying to do it anyways.

And of course, this is also the year that Joony stopped nursing, which I swear threw me for more of an emotional loop than pregnancy ever did. That was (and even still is) a hard one.


So here's the thing. I'm heading into 2014 and I'm trying to gear up for a fresh start and a new year. I don't want to make a twee "Resolutions List!!" post filled with silly things I won't do.  I'm bound and determined to make it a year of new friends, of bravery, of glory days, and of feeling mentally and physically healthy. I want to spend 2014 with people I love, opening myself to whatever comes next, and having the courage to say no to relationships and situations that don't make me a happier person.

B, out.
::drops microphone::

7 comments:

  1. I wish we were close so badly. Love you, Bran. It is going to be a great year.

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  2. Have you read that Cup of Jo blog post about depression after nursing? I'm getting ready for that one because Georgia was totally done nursing at 5 months (I dried up that day), but Ruthie nurses all. the. time. and I kind of love it.
    Anyway, here's the post: http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2012/02/motherhood-depression-and-weaning.html

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    1. I did, and it was so great to remember when I was (AND STILL AM 5 MONTHS LATER!) going through it...like to remind myself that it was normal and OK. I never had a lick of PPD, but the post-nursing has been a real B.

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  3. It's so hard to be far away from people you love. My dad and younger siblings moved to Australia this summer, and I still can't talk about it with other people without a lump forming in my throat. It's hard. Really hard.

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    1. Aw, I'm sorry! Just the other day I was talking to a girlfriend who also lives far away from family and we sat and cried together about missing our moms. I feel your pain and I'm sorry. ::hugs::

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  4. Our littles are pretty close in age (mine just turned 2 last weekend), and (even though I have a job that is pretty super mehh itself) I dealt with a lot of the same stuff this year. You start to fell better once you realize what's up, but it's still a process.

    That said, St. John's Wort has helped me some. I am getting here and hoping to start blogging again myself soon.

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