Friday, August 15, 2014

we are here & now

It's a running joke with Carrie and I that bloggers can't ever admit that life gets hard sometimes.  It's always, "I had a moment of despair, but don't you worry, those babies are a BLESSING!" and "Our roof fell in yesterday, but I'm just so darned grateful to have a house to live in with my precious family!" #soblessed #soblessed #soblessed
The last couple months of Joon being two have exhausted me to my core. I feel like every day is a constant stream of tantrums, losing my temper, calming us both down and feeling terrible, stepping on a Hot Wheels car, cussing, etc. etc. It just goes round and round.  He's so volatile--anything that doesn't go exactly his way (you know, a constant stream of cookies, park time, and Curious George) becomes a titanic meltdown.  Despite the constant pep talks I give myself to be calm, be patient, be loving, he's learning, they just go right out the window.

Every night I lay him down in bed and rub his back while I say, "Do you know your mama loves you? Do you love your mama? Do you know dad loves you? And you love your daddy too?" He responds to each one with a carefully pronounced, matter-of-fact, "Yeah.  Yyyeah."  The peaceful end to every day just leaves me feeling worse about every parenting decision I'd made in the last 12 hours.  Mom guilt is normal, I've heard it over and over, and it's easy to read those encouraging, you're doing the best you can, mama heart! blog posts but the reality is a constant, nagging worry that I'm just messing up these years that are supposed to be so precious and sweet, years I'm going to desperately miss some day soon.
If you sometimes feel the same way, and sometimes shiny, peppy mom blog posts peppered with $50 children's clothing (do people actually spend that much money on kid's clothing?!) make you roll your eyes, know that I'm over here rolling my eyes, too, especially after I've spent the morning managing an epic meltdown after almost two hours spent in an AT&T store (just a hypothetical situation off the top of my head...). And sometimes, I'm crying in the pantry at nap time while I stuff a York bar in my mouth and calculate the hours until David gets home.  And then, yes, duh, of course sometimes having days that remind me it's really all worthwhile and going to be okay and my kid isn't a psychopath.
I mean, look at this guy. Brat central.
...and then this actually is his "about to do something naughty" face.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

love darts in your eyes


+ I got to be in a movie! I've started doing improv on Monday nights (which is like half improv games and half hanging out with really funny guys and cracking dumb jokes) and it's opened up a couple of fun creative opportunities. This movie was just a 3-minute short film a friend of a friend is entering into a competition, but I got to be one of the main characters and I was probably awfulawfulawful but it really was so much fun. I can't wait to see the finished product!  My only picture from the day: distant rain on my way home from the super pretty lake dock we shot at.

+ Our 6th wedding anniversary! What?! We got 5 Guys burgers, Chick Fil A fries, a Ninja blender, and a car wash. It was the best night, and oh yes, the best six years. Joony was so excited to be included in date night, he didn't even whine on the way home...too much. He didn't whine too much.

+ Selling so. much. crap. on eBay. eBay is my drug of choice.

+ False. Running is my drug of choice. It has taken over my life. I spend all my spare time mapping routes and getting pumped on my next run and researching shoes and breathing techniques. Who am I? (Zoolander voice, naturally) Race day is rapidly approaching! Two long runs (a 9 and a 10 miler), four short runs (two 5 milers and then two 2 milers the week of the race) and that's all she wrote. A few times I've gone running in my middle school PE shorts (below), but I discovered on longer runs the cheap/ancient/scratchy fabric chafes. So that's glamorous.

+ Battling another round of The Diaper Rash That Won't Quit. When Joony gets them, he gets them bad. Hopefully this is the closest I come to talking about gross mom stuff on here?  No promises there I guess.

+ Oh, just, no big deal, mentioning it after diaper rash (?) but...I got accepted into my first choice MFA program. I got the email while Joon was napping and immediately burst into tears, somehow managing to sob out to myself, "I'm just so smart!" So I start grad school in early October and I'm already panicking a little bit at the creative output that will be required of me but holy crap, this is my dream. It's here and I was born to do it and I'm so scared.

+ Wishing I was home. Knowing my family is handling some tough stuff and not being able to offer a hug or baby-sitting or cookies or an ear, it I've spent 7 years being homesick in Idaho now and it hasn't ever once, even for one day, gotten easier.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

spin that record babe

10 Things That Make Me Terribly Happy:

1. Library trips with Joonbaby! There are fish tanks, and computers he's allowed to mess with, and books about tractors, it's just the best free fun there is.

2. Anniversary planning, which this year includes our son, Chick-Fil-A, and blender shopping. I know it doesn't sound sexy, but we're also going all out in Florida later this month. I'm excited about all of it.

3. Ladies Night! Unfortunately, last week it was to say good-bye to Meg, but it was so good to get together with some friends and eat pie. We did take a picture with all 5 of us, but it's awful, so here's one great selfie that Shpitty and I took together:
Some people would say timeless beauty, I don't know, that's just the talk on the street.

4. The Tonight Show! We watch a night behind on Hulu but it's still so much fun. We love Jimmy.

5. FINE I GAVE IN TO THE DUMB TREND. I got ugly Birkenstock sandals. But in my defense, they were $9 on an eBay steal, which is unheard of in these times. I've seen used, nasty, sweaty Arizonas going for $75. Highway robbery. I'm still not wearing overalls, though.

6. I ran 8 miles tonight! Please send me all the virtual high fives you have because it was the hardest thing I've ever done...and I'm adding another mile next week. Spent 8 miles chanting, "Pain is weakness leaving the body" in my head and yeah, it's so corny, but it helped.

7. On my run, David and Joony pulled up in the pickup at mile 5 with a mug of ice water and high fives.

8.When I got home from my run, I saw that a package had been delivered from my parents in California! There was a Ninja Turtle mug and water bottle for Joon and I to share, miniature shampoo and conditioners, a big fat kitty salt & pepper shaker set, and little miniature Nissan cars for Joon. We felt the love big time.

9. I made french silk pie from Joanna's blog, and it was pretty easy and it's really good. Dave can't eat any of it, though, so if you're in Rexburg please come get a slice. I can't have the weight of an entire pie eaten solo on my shoulders.

10. Freezer taquitos. I'm disgusting, I own it.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

i will share your road

Last week at a church activity, I mentioned to a couple women that I'd been getting outside with Clark as much as possible this summer.  I find that all winter long I say, "Oh, once it warms up, we'll be outside all day! We'll never be bored!" ...but then summer hits and we don't spend as much time outside as I imagine all 8 months of Idaho winter.  One person told me about a hike just 15-20 minutes away that would be perfect for a little guy, and it sounded so nice, I loaded Joon and Carm up and headed right out.

Getting a toddler and a dog all loaded up felt like such a process--getting towels all tucked and situated in the backseat since I wanted to let Carmen play in the creek, making sure I had inhalators and water bottles and snacks and diapers packed, dousing sunscreen and then bug spray, gosh.  Once Joony and Carmen were settled in the backseat and I climbed into the front seat, I felt like I'd run a marathon. That is, of course, when I heard a tiny two year old voice: "Mama? Poopoo."  "Did you do a poop?"  "Yeah." Right.  Go figure.

Anyways, it was well worth the hassle!  We got to hike a loop that was just over a mile, had a creek for Carmen to swim in, just enough incline to give us an incredible view, and lots of rocks for inspecting and throwing. Oh, and I got to strengthen my chicken arms because Joon wanted to be carried half the way--which I honestly didn't mind, he never asks to be held anymore and I loved that sweaty little blonde head on my shoulder.

I found the community of hikers to be just as friendly as the running community.  Everyone we passed stopped to pet Carmen, ask how Joony was enjoying the hike, or comment on the weather. It was fantastic! Carmen even got to meet (/spaz out over) some new dog friends.
 You don't know happy until you see this dog in water. She. Loves. Water.

Can you believe we live here? Idaho is so beautiful, I won't ever stop saying it.

Monday, July 21, 2014

you can go your own way

I always remember my mother running.  Before I was born, she ran in road races almost every Sunday, and on days where she was grumpy or impatient she'd tell us it was because she hadn't gotten her miles in that morning.  She always had a stack of Saucony boxes in her closet because she needed a new pair every six months, so she stocked up when they were on sale at Big 5.

I tried to run track in middle school, but I was painfully slow and preferred my horseback time to my track time.  Then, the winter after Joony was born, I started legging up for a February 10K in Phoenix. I ran that thing so dang slow, but I finished, and then promptly stopped running again.  It's disappointing how fast I lose my lung and leg strength--even a week off kills my mojo. So I didn't run for almost 18 months after that race, and whenever someone asked me about it I was all, "Oh, running sucks. It's just not for me. Blaaaaah running I hate it." Then one day I just hopped on the treadmill and I ran a little bit (actually, a lot a bit--4.5 miles!).  I've kept at it, and some days I even enjoy it!  I set a goal for myself since signing up for a race is such a motivator. Plus, in Phoenix, running past cheering crowds and being around a supportive community of runners was such a blast. I loved it.
Sidebar about the running community--it is so cool how supportive everyone is. I'm sure there are snooty people who want to know your mile times and stuff, but for the most part everyone's just excited to have other runners out on the road with them.  I think that's really neat.  Sometimes I high five other runners when we're on a steep hill, and like 85% of the time, I get a smile every time.
This is from when we drove up to Ashton and checked out the course for the race! So pretty, right?

I'm planning on running the Mesa Falls Half Marathon at the end of August.  My mile times are so slow that maybe you would think I'm walking, not huffing and puffing my asthmatic way through it?  But I'm covering my distances, I'm getting stronger, loving it.  Everyone that I've mentioned the Mesa Falls Half to says it's got a nasty uphill climb, and sure enough, the website says miles 4-6 are killer. I've been training on our town's steepest hill (W 7th up to the temple if you're local!) and nothing feels better than getting to the top of that beast and looking back down at the climb I just did.  I texted my mom the other day for a shameless pat on the back request and she said, "Doesn't if feel so good to do something you thought only tough people could do?"  That's exactly how it feels.
I blogged about running stuff I use and love, although these days I'm mostly just all about my Wal Mart shorty shorts and this app that tracks me via GPS and tells me how far and how fast I ran (plus, it gives me little medals when I PR and I like that). Also my fanny pack and that is not a joke, I run with an orange fanny pack.  Wednesday is my 7 mile run this week! Wish me luck.  And then get out and join me on the road!  Also tell me what songs you're working out to, my playlist right now is maybe 45 minutes long and I'm starting to get tired of those songs.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

if you can dig it

Here's some crap I'm totally digging right now.

Three favorite social medias:
++ Eliza and I became pen pals on a blog pen pal match up a year or two ago, and now we send Christmas packages and text message and snap chat and, well, she's just the coolest (also, her and her husband are probably the cutest couple alive. Well, tied. They're tied with Jim and Pam).
++ Meredith's outfit/thrifting/book club Instagram.  Probably the only blogger who wears clothes I can afford? Then also she looks classy and colorful and amazingly bleach blondy and she's so funny. #girlcrush
++ Aidy Bryant's Twitter. She's one of my SNL favorites. My favorite recent tweet: "My boyfriend farts so loud and sweats so much but he my angel." I laugh every time I read it.

Three favorite beauty products:
++ It's a 10 Miracle Leave-In. Full disclosure: I only pay like $10 for this because I have a membership at CosmoProf, which you can only shop at if you're a cosmetologist, and we used to own a hair salon. So I get crazy cheap product.  But I love this and it smells amazing.
++ After Party by Bed Head. They have this at Target, and when I let my hair air dry, it smooths the frizz so I don't look as rumpled terrifying.
++ Twinkle Eyebrow Razors. I barely use these for my eyebrows. I use them for the rest of my face, and if you think that's gross then you're in denial because we all have facial hair and even though mine is blonde I still want it gone.

Three favorite songs I run to:
++Edge of Glory, Lady Gaga. I turn it on when I'm feeling like puking, visualize the final stretch of my half marathon (David drove me to Ashton on Sunday so I could actually see where I'll finish!), and get some adrenaline going.
++Really Don't Care, Demi Lovato. I'm very Top 40 with workout tunes. It has to be peppy or I just can't.
++Pumping Blood, NONONO. "It's your heart, it's alive, it's pumping blood." Gets me all jazzed.
**Suggestions more than welcome here. I always need good music, especially now that my runs are getting longer**
Workout selfie! Burns more calories!

Three favorite books:
++The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. by Adelle Waldman.  I'm about halfway in and it's pretty good so far!
++MOTHERs by Rachel Zucker.  Just the review of this in the New Yorker was so good I ripped it out to save. Being  mom is a complex and beautiful and frustrating thing and I love when women write about it well.
++Family Life by Akhil Sharma. This is actually on my to-read list.  David Sedaris recommended it and read us an excerpt and it was really good.

Three favorite summer snacks:
++ Cupbop, which Shpitty and I call Yobagoya, which is so good.
++ Protein milkshake: a sliced/frozen banana, a cup of vanilla almond milk, a pinch of cocoa powder, a scoop of vanilla protein powder, a shake of PB2 (or just peanut/almond butter), and a couple cashews. Maybe ice if you're feeling it. Chocolate peanut butter protein milkshake, BOOM, it hits the spot after a run.
++This sugar cookie recipe. I made them right before we had company one night and each person ate like 6, and then they left and I still had maybe a dozen? So I ate those, too. So good your head will fall off.

Three favorite tops online:
++ I actually did buy this feminist tee shirt, because it's true and it's cute, and now I'm obsessively tracking the shipping because I can't wait to wear it.
++ $8 baseball tees at F21. Are baseball tees still cool? I want one in every color.  Mostly the green/grey.
++This gorgeous rash guard at Albion Fit. We're going to Florida next month and I sunburn in mere minutes, so having this at the beach would be a fantastic peace of mind. But $70 is like, ha, only in my dreams.

**No affiliate links were harmed in the making of this post (I mean used, I just linked straight to Amazon. No kickbacks fo me).

Saturday, July 5, 2014

bits & bobs

Just a few things:
+ I started running again.  I haven't run a step since my 10K in February 2013, and then a few weeks ago, I just...hopped on the treadmill.  I've spent the last 16 months being like, "I just don't enjoy running. I hate it.  I liked running my race and it was good that I did it, but I'm not a runner."  And then I started running, and what the eff, Brandilyn?  Am I loving running?  Well, ok, yes. I am.  Maybe I'm gearing up for a half marathon at the end of the summer, I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.  Anyways, this plan has been a game changer.  I've adapted it to speeds and running/walking ratios that feel good to me, but it was a most helpful jumping off point.

+ My mom has an uncanny ability to remember phone numbers--our childhood orthodontist, a neighbor from 10 years ago, she knows their numbers. I never though I had a brain for that kind of thing until the other day when I made cupcakes, Meg asked what was in them, and I rattled off the ingredients no problem!  I have a brain for memorizing recipes, and thank the baking heavens for that.
+ Speaking of uncanny abilities, Clark got David's incredible sense of direction.  When we drive around town, he knows exactly where we are--he points out every train track ("Nain!"), the Cocoa Bean ("gop-cayyke"), both parks in town ("Pock!"), the store that has a rack of Hot Wheels ("Cars! Mom!"), and of course, our house ("Marmen!" that's Carmen, because he knows she'll be waiting for us). Little backseat GPS.

+ We're cracking down on the budget over here. Big time. It's simultaneously no fun at all and a really great challenge.  The GoodBudget app has been so helpful--we make envelopes for each type of budget (groceries, gas, diapers, fun money, etc) and log each purchase. Kaboom responsible adulthood.

+ I took this picture of Carm and can't stop looking at it.  It's a framer.  I probably made Hailey admire it 4 or 5 times last weekend, she's just the prettiest pooch that ever lived.
Also, she's all dewey because we got these expensive tennis balls.  They're like $5 apiece. We used to get the cheap ones, but she'd chew through them and lose them and I was replacing them every 2 or 3 days.  So I found these bright tennis balls that she can't chew through, and they're fantastic...except for when she loses them in the grass.  Since they're so expensive, I make her dig around with me until we find them.  This beautifully lit morning was after a big rain, so she we got all wet while searching. Wow, great tennis ball story, Brandilyn.

+ Does anyone reading here live in Rexburg? This place called the Soda Vine just opened and I'm all over that place. They make fancy sodas, like my Dr. Pepper with coconut and fresh limes, plus they have these ridiculous sugar cookies (I guess they're the same as some place called Swig in UT?) that I have eaten a shameful number of. Shameful.